because st-dickeybird asked me

sorry, not a cheerful post

About 10 years ago, I experienced a bout of depression for several months. I was in the early stages of getting my career going, my personal life was a bit upside down, and add to that a few other choice complications, and well, you can pretty much figure out the rest. I'm usually very good at managing life, and letting things roll off me. But at that time, the whole thing sort of snuck up on me. I never saw it coming. My head ended up in an extraordinarily dark place.

After the fact, the thing that always struck me about the experience was how, at the time, I could genuinely not see any possibility of things ever getting better. My perspective was so distorted, and my mind went to places that under normal circumstances it would never have even considered. When I looked back at that time, I did not recognise myself at all.

Fast forward to today, and it occurs to me that, due to circumstances (some beyond my control and others not), I seem to have slipped back into the same trap. With a vengence. I think I've been denying it because I'm always the guy with the smile on his face, always being a smartass. I feel obligated to always put my best foot forward, and never let anyone see beyond a solid, stable veneer. I'm the guy everyone always counts on.

And the truly frustrating thing is, because of my experience 10 years ago, I know that rationally all of this can pass, that things can get better. But right now, every fibre of my being is telling me that it won't get better. And that contradiction is a really hard thing to get my head around.

Why am I whining about this here? Well, I guess part of me thinks it might be a good idea to "say it out loud" without actually having to live through the embarrassment of really saying it out loud, if you know what I mean.

So there it is. Sorry for the lack of cheer in this post.

Regularly scheduled programming should resume just as soon as I've extracted my head out of my ass (which, by the way, should go a long way towards explaining the photo in yesterday's post.) :)

for pablo, the love of my life:

Still interested?

dangling hands, sensibly green, getting 'over' it, and other minutiae

It's been an insanely busy week so far.

I was supposed to be in Toronto this weekend with a buddy who was going to visit his girlfriend. Instead, I opted to lend him my car to get there (my car has a better stereo than his), and I stayed home and relaxed a bit.

I was very pleased that Stephane Dion took the Liberal leadership. I think he'll do great things for the country. It's also the first time I've ever heard a politician take a solid green (environmental) position that actually makes sense, and would be GOOD for the economy as well.

I went to watch another buddy of mine's 12 year old boy play hockey. Man, those kids get rougher and rougher each year. One kid ended up with a severely busted wrist. The angle that his hand was dangling at nearly made me wretch.

An ex-turned-friend of mine who is notorious for unexpectedly disappearing whenever we disagree about anything called me up last night. It was the first time I'd heard from him in about six weeks, since the last time he just disappeared over something silly. I have to say, it's awfully difficult to care about hearing from someone who you know will take off the second it's not convenient for him to be around anymore.

I'm getting set in my ways, apparently. For example, I recently discovered that when the toilet paper roll is 'under', it makes makes me cranky. The toilet paper roll must be 'over'. These things never used to bother me.

the price of tea in china (or, whafuck???)

I recently made what was for me, anyway, a significant decision. I decided to go see a therapist because there's been some crap piling up lately that I've been doing a bad job of managing. As a result, it's been taking it's toll on me. I was refered to a very well respected woman in her field.

A couple of days ago, I had my third session with this woman. She directed the conversation towards the fact that I'm a currently single gay man, although my value system is such that I want to build a family for myself in some form or another, at the core of which would be a life-long, monogamous relationship.

It's what I believe in.

It's what I eventually want for myself.

It's how I was raised.

At this point - and I can't stress this enough - I should point out the fact that none of this stuff is the reason I decided to see a therapist in the first place. I'm perfectly ok with being single right now, until the right person and the right circumstances come along.

Anyway, she keeps coming back to the subject. When I finally asked her why, she advises me that the has several gay male clients, and based on her experience, I'm setting myself up for a lifetime of misery and disappointment. Gay men can't be monogamous, except in very, very rare cases. I needed to get past my desire for a family that included a life partner. Otherwise my life would likely be painful and sad, and full of regret. She added that she was telling me this for my own good.

Uh-huh.

So then can somebody tell me what the HELL have I been doing all this time?

I left her office more despondant than when I'd arrived.

I didn't schedule the next appointment with her. Instead, I told her that my schedule was crazy for the next little while (which is true), and that I'd call her.

I hope she doesn't wait by the phone.

what do you think Rex is thinking right now?

fired up

A few months ago, a friend of mine told me that he wanted to make a change in his life and become a firefighter. He'd been considering for a while, and been told that they were soon going to open up the hiring process.

Since then, I've been helping him prepare for the written exam (which is coming up soon), and we've been partnering at the gym, working hard to get to peak physical condition to meet the requirements of both the testing process and the job itself.

We've spent a lot of time together on all this, and I've really been enjoying it.

This past weekend, we started doing practice exams, and on a lark, I decided to do it with him. I ended up scoring surprisingly high marks. When my friend saw how I'd done, he asked me to apply and write the exam with him. Before I realised what was happening, I'd said 'yes'.

I already have a good career (in a completely different field). I have no intention of leaving my job.

And yet I can't get over this kinda of exciting feeling that keeps coming back to me - and it really can't hurt to try...can it?

uncommon ground

Well, the restaurant was really good. I finally ended up nixing the movie idea, instead opting to go for drinks after dinner.

He's a very nice and attractive guy, but unfortunately, there really weren't any sparks, and we didn't have very much in common. I did say that I'd give him a call - and I will - but as far as I'm concerned, a second date really isn't in our future.

But it's all good, really. It was still a pleasant way to spend an evening, and you can never really know unless you try.

Happy Thanksgiving to our American neighbours!