liquid into sun

because st-dickeybird asked me

2006-12-08T09:58:00.000-05:00

sorry, not a cheerful post

2006-12-07T11:34:00.000-05:00

About 10 years ago, I experienced a bout of depression for several months. I was in the early stages of getting my career going, my personal life was a bit upside down, and add to that a few other choice complications, and well, you can pretty much figure out the rest. I'm usually very good at managing life, and letting things roll off me. But at that time, the whole thing sort of snuck up on me. I never saw it coming. My head ended up in an extraordinarily dark place.

After the fact, the thing that always struck me about the experience was how, at the time, I could genuinely not see any possibility of things ever getting better. My perspective was so distorted, and my mind went to places that under normal circumstances it would never have even considered. When I looked back at that time, I did not recognise myself at all.

Fast forward to today, and it occurs to me that, due to circumstances (some beyond my control and others not), I seem to have slipped back into the same trap. With a vengence. I think I've been denying it because I'm always the guy with the smile on his face, always being a smartass. I feel obligated to always put my best foot forward, and never let anyone see beyond a solid, stable veneer. I'm the guy everyone always counts on.

And the truly frustrating thing is, because of my experience 10 years ago, I know that rationally all of this can pass, that things can get better. But right now, every fibre of my being is telling me that it won't get better. And that contradiction is a really hard thing to get my head around.

Why am I whining about this here? Well, I guess part of me thinks it might be a good idea to "say it out loud" without actually having to live through the embarrassment of really saying it out loud, if you know what I mean.

So there it is. Sorry for the lack of cheer in this post.

Regularly scheduled programming should resume just as soon as I've extracted my head out of my ass (which, by the way, should go a long way towards explaining the photo in yesterday's post.) :)

for pablo, the love of my life:

2006-12-06T13:42:00.000-05:00

Still interested?

dangling hands, sensibly green, getting 'over' it, and other minutiae

2006-12-06T07:47:00.000-05:00

It's been an insanely busy week so far.

I was supposed to be in Toronto this weekend with a buddy who was going to visit his girlfriend. Instead, I opted to lend him my car to get there (my car has a better stereo than his), and I stayed home and relaxed a bit.

I was very pleased that Stephane Dion took the Liberal leadership. I think he'll do great things for the country. It's also the first time I've ever heard a politician take a solid green (environmental) position that actually makes sense, and would be GOOD for the economy as well.

I went to watch another buddy of mine's 12 year old boy play hockey. Man, those kids get rougher and rougher each year. One kid ended up with a severely busted wrist. The angle that his hand was dangling at nearly made me wretch.

An ex-turned-friend of mine who is notorious for unexpectedly disappearing whenever we disagree about anything called me up last night. It was the first time I'd heard from him in about six weeks, since the last time he just disappeared over something silly. I have to say, it's awfully difficult to care about hearing from someone who you know will take off the second it's not convenient for him to be around anymore.

I'm getting set in my ways, apparently. For example, I recently discovered that when the toilet paper roll is 'under', it makes makes me cranky. The toilet paper roll must be 'over'. These things never used to bother me.

the price of tea in china (or, whafuck???)

2006-12-01T08:22:00.000-05:00

I recently made what was for me, anyway, a significant decision. I decided to go see a therapist because there's been some crap piling up lately that I've been doing a bad job of managing. As a result, it's been taking it's toll on me. I was refered to a very well respected woman in her field.

A couple of days ago, I had my third session with this woman. She directed the conversation towards the fact that I'm a currently single gay man, although my value system is such that I want to build a family for myself in some form or another, at the core of which would be a life-long, monogamous relationship.

It's what I believe in.

It's what I eventually want for myself.

It's how I was raised.

At this point - and I can't stress this enough - I should point out the fact that none of this stuff is the reason I decided to see a therapist in the first place. I'm perfectly ok with being single right now, until the right person and the right circumstances come along.

Anyway, she keeps coming back to the subject. When I finally asked her why, she advises me that the has several gay male clients, and based on her experience, I'm setting myself up for a lifetime of misery and disappointment. Gay men can't be monogamous, except in very, very rare cases. I needed to get past my desire for a family that included a life partner. Otherwise my life would likely be painful and sad, and full of regret. She added that she was telling me this for my own good.

Uh-huh.

So then can somebody tell me what the HELL have I been doing all this time?

I left her office more despondant than when I'd arrived.

I didn't schedule the next appointment with her. Instead, I told her that my schedule was crazy for the next little while (which is true), and that I'd call her.

I hope she doesn't wait by the phone.

what do you think Rex is thinking right now?

2006-11-28T09:34:00.000-05:00

fired up

2006-11-27T10:21:00.000-05:00

A few months ago, a friend of mine told me that he wanted to make a change in his life and become a firefighter. He'd been considering for a while, and been told that they were soon going to open up the hiring process.

Since then, I've been helping him prepare for the written exam (which is coming up soon), and we've been partnering at the gym, working hard to get to peak physical condition to meet the requirements of both the testing process and the job itself.

We've spent a lot of time together on all this, and I've really been enjoying it.

This past weekend, we started doing practice exams, and on a lark, I decided to do it with him. I ended up scoring surprisingly high marks. When my friend saw how I'd done, he asked me to apply and write the exam with him. Before I realised what was happening, I'd said 'yes'.

I already have a good career (in a completely different field). I have no intention of leaving my job.

And yet I can't get over this kinda of exciting feeling that keeps coming back to me - and it really can't hurt to try...can it?

uncommon ground

2006-11-23T08:54:00.000-05:00

Well, the restaurant was really good. I finally ended up nixing the movie idea, instead opting to go for drinks after dinner.

He's a very nice and attractive guy, but unfortunately, there really weren't any sparks, and we didn't have very much in common. I did say that I'd give him a call - and I will - but as far as I'm concerned, a second date really isn't in our future.

But it's all good, really. It was still a pleasant way to spend an evening, and you can never really know unless you try.

Happy Thanksgiving to our American neighbours!

dinner and a movie

2006-11-22T09:14:00.000-05:00

I have a first date tonight. We decided to make it dinner and a movie. I'm choosing the restaurant & film.

The restaurant is no problem - I have the perfect spot in mind. But I haven't been in a movie theater in over a year (and apparently it's been a long time for him as well), and I really don't have a clue what's out there, let alone what's any good.

Neither of us is picky about genre, although I usually prefer action or comedy for a first date.

So I ask anyone with an opinion: what would YOU recommend as a good, entertaining film?

(And please, no porn.)

the grass is always greener

2006-11-20T08:42:00.000-05:00

I smoked a joint this weekend. I have to admit, it ended up being a hell of a lot of fun.

I haven't done that in a while - probably since university.

And for the life of me, I can't understand why.

(and just so this doesn't interfere with any future political aspirations I might have, NO, i didn't inhale.)

clumsy

2006-11-17T11:12:00.000-05:00

liquid award for the funniest dialogue from the West Wing, Season one:
Sam: About a week ago I accidentally slept with a prostitute.
Toby: Really?
Sam: Yes.
Toby: You accidentally slept with a prostitute.
Sam: Call girl.
Toby: Accidentally.
Sam: Yes.
Toby: I don't understand, did you trip over something?

if only going postal was actually an option

2006-11-15T08:20:00.000-05:00

what started out as a couple of predictably bad days at work a couple of weeks ago has turned into...well lets just say that November 2006 will be known as 'the month from hell' from this day forward. (except for seeing Dubya getting castrated on election day - that part was kinda fun).

i'm tired and in a crappy mood. and aside from pounding out my frustrations at the gym, i have no energy (or desire for that matter) to actually DO anything right now. the real telltale sign has been in the morning - it's taking every last ounce of energy I have just to convince myself to drag my ass out of bed in the morning - which isn't like me at all.

it's feels kinda like having the flu, without the runny nose, aches, and pains. in other words, very unsatisfying.

ok, enough with the complaints already.

on a happier note, yesterday i received the birthday present I treated myself to - The West Wing complete series DVD box set. a boring gift, perhaps. but i watched the pilot and second episodes last night, and i have to say that i'd forgotten just how great the program was - that combination of Aaron Sorkin, Tommy Schlamme, and that incredible ensemble cast was brilliant. i think i'm really going to enjoy seeing it again - especially without the inconvenience of commercials.

morning chuckle

2006-11-14T07:48:00.000-05:00

Boy bands get younger and younger...

status quo and single don't you know

2006-11-13T09:49:00.000-05:00

so, my family didn't increase in size after all. it's gonna stay just me, at least for the forseeable future.

as it turns out, another family beat me to the little guy. i'm more disappointed than i had expected, but i also know that it's for the best. apparently the family that adopted him will have people around most of the time, whereas he would have been alone during the day while i work if he had stayed with me. better for doggie.

on a completely unrelated matter: what do you get when you take a really nice 30 year old woman who survived an 8 year marriage (and divorce) with a mentally abusive husband (and ended up with a fear of being "controlled" by a man), have her fall in love with a really nice 30 year old guy who has jealousy and insecurity issues of his own because of a bad past relationship, and place them in a situation where they're in a long-distance relationship? and for added spice, throw in a friend in whom they BOTH confide?

give up?

an arduous weekend for Liquid. fielding emotionally-charged text messages and emails, spending hours reassuring and supporting, albeit willingly.

i genuinely want them to work it out because in every other way they're so good and happy together.

but after this weekend i have to admit that single life is looking pretty good about now.

stupidity turns to love

2006-11-09T11:36:00.000-05:00

i'm in love.

i'm also a stupid, stupid man.

i was driving past the spca yesterday and decided to stop in. this is something i know i should never do. EVER. the four times i've "stopped in" at the spca in my life, i've ended up coming home with a dog.

yesterday i fell in love with a black lab mix, about 2 years old. he must be mixed with a smaller breed of something, because he's about 3/4 of a normal full sized lab. he's completely black, looks like a puppy, and is absolutely gorgeous. but that's not what did me in. i was rubbing his nose, and i was about to stand up and leave to go back to the office, when he managed to push both his front paws through the cage and grab onto my arm with them tightly to hold me there, and made a barely audible whimper. i've never seen anything like it. my heart broke on the spot.

i went back to work. last evening as i was driving home, i called a buddy of mine, told him what i'd done, and asked him to start listing ALL the reasons that getting another dog would be a really bad idea, just to keep me from stopping back in at the spca to get him.

it was enough to get me home, sans dog, where i proceeded to spend a sleepless night thinking about the little guy.

today i'm heading back there to spend a little time with him, just to see how we get on.

i suspect that by weeks end, my family will have grown from 1 to 2.

sometimes i think i'd do karma - if she'd let me

2006-11-07T15:34:00.000-05:00

karma. gotta love the old bitch.

i'm in the passing lane on the highway, passing the string of vehicles to my right. i'm going at the speed of the cars in front of me.

a gastroenterologist suddenly comes up behind me flashing his lights madly. how do i know he's a gastroenterologist? because he's trying to give me a colonoscopy with the grille of his bmw, he's pushing so far up my f**king ass. either that, or he's very, very gay (and over-compensating).

anyway

i'm finally able to move over, and he pulls the same routine with the folks in front of me. (slut.)

eventually things loosen up a bit, and he's able to tear around everybody by switching in and out of lanes.

so you can imagine just how broken my heart was when i see the little bastard being pulled over in a speed trap a few minutes later...

everything is illuminated

2006-11-06T11:40:00.000-05:00

I don’t watch much TV or go to movies that often. But yesterday I was flipping though the channels – I had half an hour to kill before I was to go out somewhere - and came across a film that I’d never heard of on the Movie Network called Everything is Illuminated, released last year, and starring Elijah Wood.

Now, I’m not an Elijah Wood fan at all, but I got so engrossed in this quirky little film after just 10 minutes, that I cancelled my plans just so I could see it through to the end.

It’s not an action film, nor is it a typical “Hollywood blockbuster”. But it is a clever, funny, subtle, and moving comedy-drama, with entertaining dialogue. And it’s really beautifully directed. It’s populated by quirky little characters who, in any other context might be mildly irritating, but who you can’t help but fall in love with – particularly Alex (played by Eugene Hutz), Alex’s grandfather (played by Boris Leskin), and their dog.

It played again a few hours later, and I watched it a second time (something I never do). I picked up on several things that I’d missed the first time around. I almost enjoyed it more the second time.

Definitely a nice way to spend a lazy Sunday afternoon.

tears stream down my face

2006-11-03T11:03:00.000-05:00

I know it's already done the rounds, and I hate Richard Simmons, but this cracks me up every time I see it.

still breathing. hard.

2006-11-02T08:40:00.000-05:00

still here but very busy, so i haven't exactly had ooooooodles of time to post and to read up on other peoples sites. my news in a nutshell:

- work is crazy busy right now. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday generally seem to be more challenging than the rest of the week, for whatever reason.

- the bf and I broke up this past Monday after 4 months. Not exactly a longtime companion, but sad and disappointing nonetheless.

- monday was also my birthday. this past year just flew by.

- i'm thinking about going back to school. i feel like trying something new.

And that pretty much sums up the major points of the week so far.

dilbert moments

2006-10-26T12:03:00.000-04:00

Me: I'll need to allocate this amount of time per week to this new task if we want to do it properly.

Boss: Ok, whatever.

6 months later...

Boss: Doing this (same) task takes up too much time. What were you thinking? I want you to stop doing it altogether.

Me: Okay...

6 months later...

Boss: Not doing that (same) task has made a huge mess of the project. This was YOUR responsibility. Fix it! But don't let it chew up too much of your time on other projects.

Me: Okay...

6 months later...

Boss: We need to be more thorough with that (same) task - doing it right will save us all sorts of headaches in the long run. Take whatever time you need to get it done right. I don't want to hear about it again.

Me: Okay...

The moral: If you're a boss, and you don't really understand the inner workings of your department, keep your fucking instructions and opinions to yourself, and let those of us who know what we're doing do our goddam job. You'll end up looking much better in the end. I promise.

Life tip #94

2006-10-23T08:53:00.000-04:00

Men are like linoleum floors. If you lay them right, you can walk all over them for 30 years.

-Brett Butler

smells like...

2006-10-19T10:00:00.000-04:00

About 5 weeks ago, I treated myself to new gym stuff, as I do from time to time. I went out and bought new cross trainers, sweats, shorts, t-shirts, socks, and even a new gym bag. I left the old bag in my car, and made a mental note to clean it out later. And then I forgot about it.

I started to notice a bit of an odour in my car recently. It kept getting steadily worse. I finally remembered my old gym bag in the back.

The moral of the story: buying new gym stuff is nice and all, but don't forget to throw away the banana and the 1/2 eaten turkey sandwich on rye you stupidly left in your old bag (with your old gym shoes) before you forgot about it. You might find that it eventually wants to walk away on it's own.

Rotting food combined with old cross trainers smells like ass. Just in case you were wondering.

some can't tell time. others can't tell 'date'

2006-10-18T16:07:00.000-04:00

Today is October 18th. I walked into a mall today only to be greeted with decorations. NOT halloween decorations CHRISTMAS decorations.

Why don't they save themselves a lot of trouble and just leave the goddam things up ALL FUCKING YEAR?

(I think it's a perfectly reasonable question.)

choppin' brocoli

2006-10-17T14:34:00.000-04:00

...has been floating around in my head ever since I heard it on the radio this morning. Nothing I do will make it go away.

I need a very, very large drink. Oh, and Dana Carvey must die.

life's little pleasures #219

2006-10-17T07:31:00.000-04:00

feeling your nipples get hard beneath a cotton shirt on a beautiful but cool fall day.

funny. but not the ha ha kind

2006-10-16T12:34:00.000-04:00

So Republican politicians in our neighbour to the south seem to be plagued with scandals lately, and as a result seem to be falling out of favour with the public according to just about all the polls.

Actually, it took longer than I thought it would.

But is anyone else boggled by the fact that they(in no particular order):

invaded another country without justifiable cause
are directly responsible for hundreds of thousands of deaths on foreign soil
ignored international law
tortured prisoners
alientated allies
raped American citizens of their civil liberties
sent the debt skyrocketing, leaving future generations to pay the price
have been completely irresponsible on environmental issues
and engaged in corruption with big business on a never-been-seen-before scale.

And yet it's none of THESE scandals that are actually bringing them down. Instead, it's the possibility that some sick moron might have been trying to diddle teenage pages working on the Hill that seems to bother people.

Is it me, or is that just insanely fucked-up?

stepping...

2006-10-13T16:09:00.000-04:00

...into the blogsphere.

And curious to see what I might find.